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The Loony Bin

March 25, 2013

What have I lost … and where do I go from here

Along with depression for me can come … destruction.  This is mainly in the form of lost relationships and rock bottom self-esteem.  I guess it makes sense.  When I’m falling into the abyss, I can to lash out as I tumble.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I’ve lost friendships. A few years ago, this happened to me in a painfully public and embarrassing way.

This depression didn’t get in the way of my relationships as much in part because I’ve been so isolated.  It has shattered my self-esteem though.  I I have been depression-free enough days now that I have to remind myself to chart my moods.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that now, as the dust settles, I have lost faith in myself.  I have begun to doubt who I am.  That’s harder to climb away from than the dark moods that pulled me under for the last several months.

I secretly wonder how long it will take for me to feel like myself again … if I will get back to the old me again.

When I say this was the worst depression ever right now, my husband is quick to correct me.

“No, it wasn’t.”  And he loves me anyway.  He holds me, he listens to me, and he still tells me that I am everything to him.

It was pretty awful though.  Mixed in with the miserable lows were the bizarre and misplaced highs.

Ihatemyselfican’tgooniamafailureithinki’mgoingtobeaconcertviolinist.

Wow.  I know.

Depression is scary, but the erratic elevations of mood that sometimes gripped me at the same time were frightening.

I am having a hard time going forward.  How do I look at myself in the mirror and put one foot in front of the next without thinking about that crazy?  I don’t know.  For now, I ‘m just doing the best I can to go on about my life as if the past few months haven’t happened.  I feel in my heart that it will get better if I just keep moving forward.

The good news?  In the midst of this episode of nutter butter, I decided that I wanted to be a concert violinist.  I was so set on this that I actually started taking lessons!

This depression has given me the gift of the violin.  I can now play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star ….

 

  1. I hope that you have a great day, and if playing the violin (even Twinkle, Twinkle) gives you pleasure and helps you feel like yourself play away. So glad that you have a supportive man in your life:-)
    Jane @ From A Doctor’s Wife recently posted..Put on Your Hopping Shoes My Profile

    Comment by Jane @ From A Doctor's Wife — March 26, 2013 @ 10:59 am

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