The Dawkter's Wife - It's all champagne and caviar now … dahling

The Loony Bin

November 17, 2011

I had the worst dream last night.

I was on a bike ride with iMSN members.  I had my bike trailer attached and somehow had managed to squeeze all of my children as well as the children of some of the members in the trailer. Note to self: I was so skinny in my dream!  We were approaching a covered footbridge that spanned a large body of water.  As I carefully approached, one of the moms yelled something at me.  This startled me and I lost control of my bike. The trailer flew through the air and we could hear splashes in the water. The sun had set and we were all racing to the shore in the dark.  I was crying hysterically in my dream.  I looked everywhere for my children … for anyone’s children … but came out of the water empty handed.  I realized that I was alone.

I was terrified and shivering and when I looked up, Thomas was standing there.  He jumped into the water and pulled Aidan to the surface.  Aidan started breathing immediately.  I was flooded with relief to find one of my children and tried again in vain to swim in the water and find anything at all that belonged to the other kids.

Thomas told me that it was “over” and time to “give up”.  He took me home, but I couldn’t stop crying.  I paced the floors imagining over and over again how Amanda must have felt drowning and taking in a last breath of water. I tormented myself with how horrific my children’s deaths must have been and could find little comfort in Aidan being with us.  I tried to rewind the day in my mind, give my children back their lives and then project this into reality, but it didn’t work.

Aidan went with me into the woods near the water to help me look again.  No one else would go with me.

As we approached the water, Aidan screamed “Mom, look up.  There they are.”

The trailer had flown off of my bike into a tree and my children were trapped there.  I could see Zoe ready to fall down as the trailer fabric gave way.

Somehow, with Thomas’ help, we rescued them.

I woke up crying.  I have felt sad and terrible all morning.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a nightmare like this.

I wonder what it means…

 

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