The Dawkter's Wife - It's all champagne and caviar now … dahling

The Loony Bin

October 25, 2011

Leaving my happy place…

Alright, I admit it.  I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve just been down in the dumps.  I can’t avoid it anymore. Maybe owning up to it will help me move on … maybe not … let’s see.

The last few weeks have been … come on, you know the drill by now … busy.  Of course they have been.  Five kids, school, Halloween approaching, homeschooling … my day starts early and doesn’t end until way too late at night.  This is the marrow of life that I’ve reveled in and joyfully proclaimed the meaning of my life.

What has me down then?

It’s the meaning of my life.

It being the endless messes, rapidly reproducing unending piles of dirty clothes … the work, worry, guilt and lack of a break.  I think I’m burned out right now and just plain exhausted.  There isn’t really time right now for me to enjoy the life we’ve created.  It’s too busy, too chaotic, too … draining.  This is a confession laden with guilt.

How can I back up?  Hmmmm.

I thought I was over the whole career/med school thing.  Then the Sept. MCAT rolled around.  I avoided thinking about it, but one person on my FB page kept bringing it up in her feed.  This is someone that I met while taking a chemistry course years ago.  She had no science background, but had decided to go for it and shoot for med school.  I was happy to join up with her at that time as a study buddy until it became obvious that her background was so limited that there was simply no way she was going to get there.  In the state of MN, the medical school has also changed the requirements for admission.  You are only required to have a semester of biology and chemistry and no physics.  They are trying to diversify their student body, I guess.  She took the bare minimum but added an introduction to introductory physics to the mix in order to understand the physics part of it all.  I’ll be honest.  I laughed my butt off at this.  This is the student who told me that human blood is blue until it hits the air (at which point it turns red) …. uh, yah…if you’re a CRAB… and that organs are parasites that eventually found their place in the body.  I asked her if she was talking about the bacterial theory of the origin of the mitochondria of the cell and she said “oh, maybe.”

I have NO idea what happened to her MCAT.  I know she took it.  I know she was waiting for the score and felt very good about her review with the study materials.  I’ll shoot myself if she gets into medical school … not really, but you know what I mean.  I have dreams at night about her becoming a doctor.

She quit her JOB to study for the MCAT….and honestly, she always tested well in the class we took together. I have no idea how.  Her knowledge base was so poor and her reasons for selecting certain answers often dumbfounded me.  She got lucky a … lot.  This really made me doubt myself.  I can’t stop obsessing over whether or not she got a good enough score to apply.  It’s killing me.  She hasn’t updated her FB since the results came out, so I fantasize that this means she isn’t applying …. but maybe she’s just super busy because she IS.  I don’t know.  I need to stop myself from tumbling down that mountain.

Then a fellow blogger who I have known for years finally got the MCAT results she wanted and needed for her application.  I am genuinely thrilled for her, but it brought out that … what have I done with my life and why did I make the choices that I did … evil monkey that has sometimes lept onto my back, pulled my hair, and generally made me miserable until I can kick it away again.  I want her to get accepted, she has earned it.  She and I have been on that train together for years supporting each other … and … I wish that I had taken the MCAT  too.

There, I said it … after several years of NOT regretting it, feeling very peaceful with my life and generally being happy …. this little turn of MCAT events has triggered an unexpected emotional response on my part.  Someone kick me in the pants and tell me to move the frick on.

I don’t honestly believe that I would be happy going to medical school anymore.  Beyond that, it doesn’t even approach being a realistic or reasonable choice for my life and I not only know it, I accept it and have been ok with it.  Then what the heck is the issue?

I think part of my problem is that I simply haven’t been able to create much of a professional life for myself, and … well, I don’t even know what that could look like anymore.  It is something that I value on a personal level and I’ve tried to keep myself working in some sort of a direction all of these years.  Things just have ways of not really working out and that frustrates me.  For example, there is only 1 MS program locally in Psychology.  I was taking a class with the director of this program.  I’ve had to drop it because the professor never checked in with students, didn’t grade our assignments or indicate that she got them, didn’t post assignments in a timely manner, and frankly didn’t participate at all.  There was only one other student in the class and she got fed up and decided to drop.  I requested a tuition refund and to have the course dropped from my schedule and now the professor has contacted me and wants to meet with me.  I have completely lost interest and enthusiasm now though.  I recognize that one poor professor won’t dictate my career choices, but … well …. my options are so freaking limited here.  If there had been a science program nearby, well, I think I would have considered a PhD in Neruoscience a few years ago too.  The problem is that there is really NO realistic professional option for myself here and that any type of program to change gears or further my education is simply too far away to be a realistic opportunity for me.  This means me constantly trying on new options in my mind and not really settling for anything.  I feel more confused now than anything else.

I have always been a build your life where you are using what you have kind of a gal and that has served me well throughout most of my life.  I got that way because my family moved every year or two when I was a child.  I constantly had to adapt.  It isn’t working as well for me now though.  I’ll have to figure it out.

This lack of professional fulfillment nonsense comes on the heals of some very disappointing kid news.  Conferences were last week and:

1.  Andrew is making mostly B’s and C’s for the first time in his life. :/  There went my straight A kid … just in time to potentially interfere with college applications and scholarships.

2. Amanda is just not working her homeschool program and she has no respect for me now.  She won’t practice her cello and says things to me like “no wonder you never made anything out of your life” when she perceives me as being crabby.  Ouch!

3.  Alex got an F in Language Arts….a D in science … a C in freakin’ German.  What the HELL????  Apparently, he forgot to turn in a language arts assignment that was worth 1.5 test grades.  She let him do it over the weekend so he’ll have some points, but …. I’m … exhausted.  I can’t do it anymore.  How the hell did he get such shit grades?  I don’t even know what to do anymore.  No computer, not games, no friends ….. and that is so hard to enforce that I want to stab myself in the head when he starts complaining.

4.  Aidan hates school and often cries in the morning over going.  He’s in the highest math and reading groups and is in special extension pull-outs for science.  He just hates it though.

5.  Zoe never stops talking.  She also never sleeps.  I sometimes beg her to stop talking….please…think thoughts in your head.  She can’t.  She follows me around all day long talking, talking, moving, twirling, talking … and I can’t get her to settle at night.  I have never experienced anything like this with any of my children and I feel concerned and exhausted all at the same time.

I keep reading all of these articles about BPA levels from plastics during pregnancy being linked to aggression in girls, or the effect of certain drugs on learning, behavior, etc … and my mind goes there….the chemotherapy …. what did it do to her that I can’t see by looking at her.  It actually makes me feel sick to think about it.

I’m posting all of the yuck for you right now.  I know you’re horrified.  Great God, my 7th grader has an F in English … a D in science.  What? What? Thud.  It screams bad mom … where have I gone wrong …. I feel like the harder I work, well … the harder I work … and it never gets easier.

Career? Please laugh out loud with me.  There is no place for it right now.  There might not ever be.  These children are my life, my priority, my heart … and I am just feeling like I’m running on a treadmill…making no progress with them…even going backwards…but if I stop running?  Well, there is certain failure.

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