The Dawkter's Wife - It's all champagne and caviar now … dahling

Surviving Cancer,The Loony Bin

November 26, 2010

Mammograms and all that jazz…

The hospital picked today to schedule my first mammogram and a screening echocardiogram.  Preventative care, Black Friday style.

After what had to be the best family Thanksgiving on record …. one where the kids sat at the table for at least a half an hour enjoying the meal,where the boys played board games and we watched National Lampoons Vacation and Christmas Vacation (thank you God, for all of the Hallmark moments!) I got up early this morning to head out and get a couple of gifts that I had my eye on.  I consider myself lucky to have found the gift I’ve been looking for for my mom … a Sony E-Reader for $99.  I was terribly excited that there were actually 3 left when I arrived.  By the time I checked out, they were all gone.  It made braving the early morning worthwhile.

At 1 I had the echo, which is just a formality since I’ve had radiation to the chest.  They have been normal in the past and I don’t expect it to be different this time.

I sweated through it though because … at 2 I was having my first ever mammogram.  This has loomed over me for the last couple of years and I just didn’t think I could put on a pair of big girl panties and do it.  The thought of someone else touching the girls…the procedure itself….it honestly scared me.

The tech was very friendly and courteous and she put me at ease almost instantly.  Even the crazy groping (which by the way, is more boob action than I’ve had in about 10 years lol … foreplay sort of disappears once you’ve been married for 17 years!) wasn’t too awkward.  The procedure wasn’t painful or even really uncomfortable.  I didn’t think it was a big deal at all.

But … I kept looking through my peripheral vision at the screen in front of the tech trying to make out the pictures she was looking at.  When she asked me to do one more image, I started the process of interpreting and over-interpreting her facial expressions, voice and gestures, just as I have in the past.

When the tech helped me out of the MRI machine to look at the possible growth in my chest 5 years ago, her over-friendly smile told me all that I needed to know.  I have screened every PET scan, CT scan and X-ray technician through the years … my success rate lies at about 50%. In other words, take a deep breath, Kris.  This technician seemed … off her game after the four x-rays and after looking at them for awhile, she asked me for one more.  As she moved and talked to me, I felt that she was definitely hiding something….there was something wrong…the room felt like it was spinning.

I just took a deep breath and kept on going.  There are a lot of reasons for people to start acting weird, and one of them is if I start acting weird! lol

The alternative explanation is that I barely got my clothes on before she asked “are you dr. X’s wife?”

“I am”

“It’s nice to meet you”

I made some joke about the TSA and breasts…but I don’t really remember it.  I was trying to memorize the images that I had seen and the look on her face.

What if, what if, what if ….. life after cancer.

This was a seriously unexpected response.  I thought I was going to feel icky about the whole nude thing … but it didn’t bother me at all.

I walked out to the parking lot and couldn’t find my car for about 5 minutes.  Then I realized that I had parked on the other side of the hospital.  I walked to the lot on the other side of the hospital and chuckled at myself. It’s all good. I decided to go to Wal-Mart to see if there were any good Black Friday deals going on, but I just couldn’t concentrate on shopping.  When I walked out, I couldn’t find my car … again.

Clearly, this is anxiety at its finest.  I completely expect my mammogram to be normal and then I will be able to relax.

  1. Ohohohoh I feel you. That’s a mess that they didn’t interpret it while you were there. When do you get the results? And at least you didn’t weep before you went in. Like I did. Lol. (Love the cartoon, btw).

    Comment by element_md — November 26, 2010 @ 6:01 pm
  2. They didn’t have a radiologist on-site today. He or she must have been enjoying a radiholiday! mwahaha. She told me that it would take 2-3 days for it to be interpreted and that then either I would get a letter in the mail or a phone call. Of course, Thomas has been checking to see if anything has been dictated … and I suppose he will all weekend. Apparently, I’m not the only one scarred by my previous cancer experience.

    I think what unnerved me so much was her “let’s just get one more film”…it is almost exactly how my former doctor did it 5 years ago…and it was at that moment that the panic hit.

    I see it for what it is … I just have to power through.

    I love the cartoon too! hehehe

    Comment by ~me~ — November 26, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
  3. Anxiously waiting with you. (((hugs)))

    Comment by sylvia — November 27, 2010 @ 7:13 am
  4. Thanks Sylvia. I really didn’t expect to have this reaction. I keep telling myself “dude, what are the chances of having it be abnormal after everything else” and “it is all going to be ok”. Still, I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. :/ I am seriously being ridiculous. I am embarrassed by my inability to keep calm, cool and collected. I know that once I started having normal CT scans and chest x-rays that I stopped worrying about the lymphoma recurring. I think this will be like that….once I get the normal results then I’ll be able to exhale and go on. I hate it when I overreact.

    Comment by ~me~ — November 27, 2010 @ 8:50 am

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